When it comes to getting stressed in life, there’s three key areas stress comes from.  Events that happen to us, for example being made redundant.  Situations we find ourselves in, so perhaps being asked to deliver a presentation, when public speaking isn’t your thing! And the third one…Other people!  Yup, there’s no getting away from them!  For the most part of course we get on with those around us, and enjoy healthy and productive relationships. However if you find yourself in a situation whereby a particular individual really grates on you AND there’s no way to avoid coming into contact with them, things can become really difficult… and in turn those stress levels rise!

Of course…Lets get real! it’s super easy for us to forget that this isn’t one way traffic, however supportive, friendly, charming and approachable you are, there’s also a strong chance you’re the source of someone else’s frustrations. Which can be a helpful point of reference - we’ll come to this later!

As with similar themes, in many ways it boils down to your mindset?  Are you of the opinion that most people you come into contact with are going out of their way to purposefully annoy you? Or do you recognise that most people are trying their best, while navigating life and juggling a multitude of situations and challenges?  

Everyone has a different way of communicating:

I’m figuring a good place to start is to identify our own preferred style of communication, so we we can begin to see why at times we experience a clash with others. We’ll bring this to life by looking at a model created by psychologists called David Merrill and Roger Reid, created to predict leadership styles and personalities, but also be used to identify communication preferences.

It makes sense if I talk you through it first and then you’ll have a chance to complete a questionnaire. As I share the personality styles, have a think as to which box most accurately describes you. Now in order to make this entertaining I’ll go over the top in describing some of the traits…BUT I also want to highlight…just in case you’re not a fan of being put into a “box”….you’ll already have a communication preference, however depending upon the environment you’re currently working in, you’ll also have adapted your communication style to suit where you are. So here come the styles….and then you’ll do the questionnaire - We'll start with the top right-hand corner.

The CONTROLLER. Here’s an individual that's very decisive. They thrive on making decisions. Enjoy exerting their authority, can at times seem somewhat authoritarian, are extremely determined, and if they had a mantra it would probably sound like…”I say what I like, and I like what I bloody well say” people in the public eye who might fall into this particular camp, would be a Simon Cowell, an Alan Sugar, a Jeremy Clarkeson or a Margaret Thatcher….While this is obviously highly generalised, you do typically find The CONTROLLER in senior positions within organisations.

Now the polar opposite to The CONTROLLER is The COOPERATOR, what we've got here is somebody who's warm, kind ,friendly, approachable, patient, supportive, accommodating, a real people person. They’re very relationship focused. Not necessarily great at making decisions and can perhaps find themselves at times, people pleasing. But this type of character is easy to be around and seeks harmony with others…

The ANALYSER… so first up I think it’s important to say, that while being a team player is not a problem for them, they’re very comfortable working alone, they enjoy having their own space.. what you’ll see from an ANALYSER is somebody who’s thorough, disciplined, careful and exacting, if you want someone to create an excel spreadsheet with attention to detail The ANALYSER is your go to person. That said they can at times be somewhat critical, slow to respond and inflexible in their thinking.

Now The EXPRESSOR actually has a great many of the characteristics of The CONTROLLER in that they know what they want…However the EXPRESSOR like the COOPERATOR is relationship focused whereas The CONTOLLER like the ANALYSER is very task focused….Now with The EXPRESSOR, what we're talking about here is somebody who's very ambitious, charming, animated, engaging, outgoing, they can be very visionary, have big ideas and be charitable. That said those big ideas aren't always thought through and at the extreme end of the scale, EXPRESSORS can be somewhat obnoxious, disorganised and egotistical

So. Had a think? Which are you? Lets see how the results from the questionnaire match up..........Go complete the Merill and Reid social styles questionnaire - you can see how to find one on Google in the video below. There’s actually more than one questionnaire so feel free to choose one of your own choice.

So how well do you know yourself – did the questionnaire validate where you thought you’d be? Now depending upon which of the questionnaires you completed…fairly often I’ll have people with the exact same scores for both ANALYSER and EXPRESSOR - So how can that be, given they’re the COMPLETE opposites? Well think about it. If perhaps you're a manager, you’ll need to motivate, set direction, think big picture and be visionary, all EXPRESSOR traits, but it’s also fair to say in your position of authority you’ll be required to provide reports based on accurate facts, measurements and data – which are of course qualities of an ANALYSER – so if your ANALYSER and EXPRESSOR scores were the same, that's a really good example of how in addition to your preferred style, you’ve adapted your behaviour to more effectively communicate in another style too.

So have a think about what you’d need to do to adapt your behaviour should you need to influence the style that's the complete opposite to you? For example if you’re a COOPERATOR. What is it you need to do to adapt your communication approach to better connect with and influence a CONTOLLER? If you’re an ANALYSER, what is it you need to do to adapt your communication approach to better connect with and influence an EXPRESSOR?

The CONTROLLER. So if that’s you, the advice here is to listen more, empathise more, show interest in others ideas, dial back that dominance and hold your judgment…..Guess what other people might ACTUALLY have some good ideas!

If you’re a COOPERATOR and you're engaging with a CONTROLLER, probably your number one focus is to dial up your assertiveness, ensure your communication isn't wooly and fluffy and lacks substance….and at the risk of throwing out a well worn cliché make sure you’re talking solutions, not problems……let me quickly share a real life example…..While personally, I’m actually an EXPRESSOR not a COOPERATOR, it’s fair to say at times CONTOLLERS can be a particularly difficult character to have to engage with, regardless of style. At the extreme end of this trait - their sense of “I know best” can be a challenge to get past, so the trick here is to have a CONTROLLER feel as if whatever you’re communicating is their idea - clearly it’s easier said then done…but here’s something that worked for me - No guarantees it’ll work everytime, but in the spirit of “sharing the wealth” try this…

Lets assume you’re a subject matter expert and you’ve an idea for a solution to a CONTROLLERS problems, you’ve a face to face meeting coming up and as part of that meeting you’ll be presenting your recommendations …..before the meeting, send in advance the information you want a CONTROLLERS feedback on – you can position this as being mindful of their busy schedule…..say you’re looking for their initial opinion on whatever you’re sending them.

What’s cool about this approach is that you’ve instantly diminished the possibility of you having to think on your feet, If they want to explore the option you’re hoping to promote - great, you're already on the same wavelength. If they come back to you and it's NOT your preferred option, you can now formulate your pushback. The key here is to do that in a respectful and artful manner, highlighting how you see things from their perspective while also being explicit regarding the BENEFITS to THEM of YOUR approach. Does this work every single time? Of course not. But it can give you the edge you may not have had in the past.

Returning to the different approaches to take………and we’re on to the ANALYSERS, so what’s your approach if you’re an ANALYSER and meeting and attempting to influence an EXPRESSOR? Well the advice here is to liven up your communication, be that tonally in the way you say things or visually in the way you’re presenting stuff, be flexible, have an open mind, if all you’re hearing are big ideas not backed up by facts, at least show willing and nod in the right places - You can always show an EXPRESSOR the error of their ways a little bit later on ;)

Finally if you’re an EXPRESSOR and you’re attempting to influence / communicate with an ANALYSER, temper your enthusiasm, be slightly less wordy and animated, be organised, be factual and have structure – attention to detail is key.

What are some of the key takeaways from this? I suppose the key message is, if you’re communicating one-to-one with somebody and they’re not getting what you’re saying, then there’s a school of thought that says that's probably not their fault, it’s yours. Therefore it’s YOUR responsibility to adapt your style to suit theirs. And if you’re saying to yourself “yeah but I’ve done that”. Well maybe you simply need to do more….I’ll leave you with one final cliché…”the impact of communication is the response you get.”

One final thought……you might want to do this….I know others have taken the ideas here and used the questionnaire as a fun activity to do as it as part of a team meeting, it can create fun discussion and put the spotlight on why comms between team members is at times challenging – just food for thought.

What are the chances you irritate people too?

Well probably fair to say you’re kidding yourself if you think you don’t! To coin a phrase, we can’t please all of the people all of the time, and we can’t control what others think of us, so assuming you’re not actively going out of your way to aggravate others, you’ll have to do what you can to get over the fact the ENTIRE world isn’t a fan! I joke of course, but I’m sure you get my gist. So. what can we do? What are the easy approaches we can take and what things do we need to be mindful of, that’ll make a difference? Self awareness can be a powerful thing in these circumstances…

1. First up a common one….What is it you do when someones bellowing at you in anger? If you’ve got form for fighting fire with fire, you may want to dial things back. Attacking verbally when you’re being attacked verbally rarely resolves situations peacefully. Don’t get me wrong I totally understand it can be incredibly hard to remain composed and in control of your emotions. However it’s entirely possible hearing someone out, letting them have their say, express their emotions and feel heard will go some way to enabling the other person to come “off the boil” for themselves.

2. Have you ever had someone complain to you about something happening in their world? You respond by trying to find solutions for them because you care. You perhaps suggest ideas, only to find yourself being shouted at? Try this instead, its called empathetic listening. Use language like: It seems, it sounds or it looks like, when you’re acknowledging what the other person is saying. For example: “…I can’t believe this is happening to you, it sounds like things are really tough for you right now.”

   It’s a powerful way to demonstrate you’re listening, seeing the world through their eyes and you’re not making judgements. It’s because use of this language distances you emotionally. If the person wants your advice they’ll ask, or you can simple say - “how can I help?” A book by Chris Voss - Never Split the Difference delves into this theme in great detail I highly recommend it. Here’s a fun short clip that may resonate with you too:

3. If I suggested that you have the capacity to go from being absolutely fuming with rage to full of empathy in a heart beat, whenever you want - would you believe me? Well how about this. Let me create a scenario…

You’re in your car going to the supermarket. As you enter the car park, great news - there's a space right outside the front opposite the entrance. You swing round and prepare to reverse into the space. Just as you’re positioning yourself to reverse back another car zooms in and parks there. Is it fair to say that in that moment you wouldn’t be best pleased!!!?? Is it fair to say your stress levels would rise and you’d be pretty cross and angry. I’m going to assume you would.

So, for the purposes of this story, let's just imagine you jump out the car. You're fuming!. You charge over to the other car and bang on their window while making it abundantly clear exactly how you feel about them. As you’re doing so they jump out the car, they turn around to you and say, I'm so so sorry, my partner has gone into labour and is literally giving birth in the store. I need to get in there right now! Is it fair to say in that moment you’d shift from being a cross angry bear to being supportive, empathetic and asking how you might be of assistance?

What’s this telling us? It’s telling us we can, if we REALLY want to, in a situation where someone is really getting on our nerves, upsetting us, creating mayhem in our lives, we CAN decide what things mean to us and thereby change our thinking - it’s entirely within our control. And if that scenario resonated with you and it’s how you’d of reacted. Then you’ve just proved to yourself you’re capable of doing it too.

4. Did you know science has identified over 130 bias’s! So if you think you’re immune to them and walk through life completely self-aware - think again! But let’s give ourselves a break, clearly that’s somewhat of a challenge to navigate day to day. Though at least knowing we’ve definitely got them, and that we’re probably unaware of many, but we’ve a willingness to make changes when they’re highlighted to us, that’s a step in the right direction.

So here’s one that may be very familiar to you. Have you ever sent someone a text only to be “left on read?” What thoughts have gone through your mind? They’re ignoring me? Can’t believe how rude they are? Who the hell do they think they are? They’re clearly avoiding me? They obviously don't love me? I’m sure this list could go on and on, feel free to add your own! So let me ask you a question. Have YOU ever “left someone on read?” Was there a valid reason for it? Were you busy at that moment? Did the message appear as you were typing so it now looks as though you’ve read it, when you haven’t? Was something else happening in your world that didn’t allow you to give it your full attention in that moment? This is what’s called “attribution bias”.

Not language many of us use day to day I get that but here’s what it means. We attribute other peoples negative actions / behaviours as them being ignorant, rude, obnoxious or irritating but when we do things of the exact same nature, we rationalise it as appropriate given the moment. we do this ALL the time. Here’s another example. That car that cut you up the other day, bet you didn’t have many positive thoughts about the driver? But have you ever cut someone up unintentionally because you’d got distracted, lost your way or had to take evasive action? So the next time any minor act of inconvenience has you boiling inside and ready for a fight, take a moment to pause. Could it be they’re simply distracted, busy, or otherwise engaged? That whatever is happening, is actually not about YOU and your ego, it’s simply life playing out.

5. You “rules” impact upon the quality of your relationships. So what does this even mean? And what “rules am I talking about?” Put simply your rules are what you need to have happen in order for you to feel happy!  So given their importance how aware are you of your “rules?”

So what exactly do I mean….Well, maybe you’ve got a rule that the dishwasher is put on every evening before everyone goes to bed. Or perhaps you’ve a rule that the toilet seat is never left ‘up” or maybe you’ve a rule that “when a text gets read you should reply straight away.” Now these may all seem totally reasonable as rules, and I’m sure given time, you’d be able to think of some of your own. Thing is when OUR “rules” are “broken” it can induce an emotional response because to you, something important didn’t happened the way in which you WANT it to. So in your eyes your “rule” has been violated, this triggers your emotions, which equals you becoming annoyed, leading to you perhaps behaving in a way you’d later regret.

So what are your rules? Take a moment, have a think. Some “rules” serve us well by the way. For example you may have a “rule” that says I’ll always be there to collect my children from school at 3:30. However you may also have some that create unnecessary friction.  Rules that perhaps in the grand scheme of things you’d benefit from relaxing or letting go of.

So is there a solution? Well as with many of things it comes down to communication. Let others know what your “rules” are, why they are important to you and how it makes you feel when they are, in your eyes, “broken.” The communication bit may at times be awkward and uncomfortable, I get that. But done in the spirit of developing quality loving relationships, better that than full blown arguments over small everyday life things!

6. Lower your expectations. Guess what you’re going to get let down by people. That’s life. It’s 100% going to happen. I’m not a fan of suggesting to others they might want to lower their standards but being mindful that interactions with others is prone to unpredictability and things won’t always work out as you’d hoped, is simply being realistic. You can influence and try to persuade others but you’ll never be able to control what they’ll do.

7. Finally…you can actively avoid getting into unnecessary conflict. It’s an absolute certainty that whatever opinions you have someone else will have a counter argument. We all have opinions, beliefs and convictions but forcing them on others clearly has the potential to create friction. You’re totally entitled to express your views on anything you like assuming its done in a respectful and appropriate fashion, however expecting / demanding others to agree or not have a view of their own is likely a recipe for heated and potentially unending debate. In todays age, it’s incredibly easy to express our views of others opinions via the many comment boxes on social media. It’s also a very quick way of creating frustration and undue pressure. Investing energy getting into counter arguments that no one will ever “win.” If you really don’t need to get involved. Don’t!

3. How to handle the games people play…

As soul-destroying as it can be sometimes. Regardless as to whether you’re in the workplace, your local club, volunteering, interacting in your friendship group, or wherever - when you come into contact with others, at some point there’s the possibility you’re going to come up against other peoples power games! So lets explore them, why people play them, what they look like and how to handle them.

1. To get ahead.

Some people play power games simply because they want to get ahead. They may see it as a way to climb the corporate ladder or gain a competitive edge over others.

2. To control others.

Some people play power games because they want to control others. They do this to feel more powerful or to get what they want from someone else.

3. To avoid conflict.

Some people play power games because they want to avoid conflict. They may see it as a way to get what they want without having to directly confront someone else.

4. To feel powerful.

Some people play power games to feel powerful, to compensate for some other area of their life in which they feel inadequate. To get ahead or to manipulate others.

It’s not all negative. Having an awareness of how power is used to influence and persuade others is an important life skill. There are seven main types of power, according to psychologists John French and Bertram Raven. I’ve listed them below and how you might see them play out. Where necessary you can tap into some of these approaches to gain power in your own situations.

1. Coercive power and Reward power

Coercive power is when you use force or threats to get what you want. An example of this would be if your boss said, "Do this or you're fired." Reward power is when you offer someone something they want in exchange for something you want. For instance, you might say to a member of staff, "Work hard and meet all your deadlines, and I'll give you a raise."

2. Legitimate power and Expert power

Legitimate power is when you have the formal authority to tell others what to do. For example, a manager might have legitimate power over her employees. Expert power is when you have knowledge or expertise that others don't have. An expert in a particular field can wield a lot of power simply because others need their expertise.

5. Referent power and Informational power

Referent power is when people want to be associated with you because they admire and respect you. This is often the case with celebrities and other public figures. Think influencers on Instagram and YouTube. It’s not always easy to identify what it is they offer but they wield power because of their perceived position. Informational power is when you have information that others don't have and that they need. This type of power can be very effective in negotiations, for instance.

7. Connection power

Connection power is when you have important connections with powerful people. This could be because you know them personally, or because you have a professional relationship with them. If you have connection power, you can use your connections to open doors of opportunity that others might find difficult.

These are just some of the power games that people play. Choose your power game wisely, depending on your goals and the situation. And remember, power games can be constructive as well as destructive. Use them wisely!

To Summarise:

1. Set boundaries with people who are always asking for favors or constantly talking to you

2. If someone is bothering you, be assertive and tell them directly to stop

3. Use humor as a way to deflect attention from yourself or change the subject

4. Avoid getting into conversations with people who will only bring you down

5. Walk away if a situation becomes too uncomfortable or overwhelming

6. Talk to someone else about the person who's been bothering you - they might have some good advice!