So what even is “self-confidence?” Let me start by asking you a question…Are you confident that at times you haven't got “self-confidence?” If your answer is yes (and I’m assuming it is given you’re here) then you’re half way there, you already know what feeling confident feels like ;) So we’re off to a good start…Now please don’t take this light hearted approach to me being disrespectful, I fully understand this theme is huge and a lack of confidence can be hugely debilitating, but it serves an important purpose - While you may think you lack confidence, the fact that you know what confidence feels like means you can tap into these thoughts and apply them to other parts of your life. You just need to know how…

I’ll start with a story that I’ve been given permission to share - It’ll reassure you that all that’s to follow isn’t just random ideas, but stuff that genuinely works. Assuming that is, you REALLY want to make changes? OK here goes…I worked with someone who was plagued with severe asthma attacks brought on by stress. The attacks came out the blue and often in less than 5 mins they were in need of an ambulance. On one occasion because they were in a remote location they almost died. Over time, the uncertainty as to when and where the attacks might happen (and because obviously stress is a part of ALL our lives) - Every time they felt even slightly stressed they’d have a panic attack. Now, if you know anything about panic attacks you’ll be aware they feel like you’re unable to breathe. This in turn made their panic attacks escalate further, as the sensation of not being able to breathe was a now a “trigger” so they became caught in a loop of utter fear ALL the time. This went on for 10 years. Their confidence was shot to pieces. They wouldn’t board trains, planes or venture anywhere they felt an ambulance couldn’t get to them. Their mental health deteriorated to the extent they began to cut out food groups in the fear they may be allergic to something, and have an anaphylactic shock. (They weren’t and never had been allergic to anything). Thing is…..If you met them today there’s a very strong possibility one of the words you’d use to describe them is “confident.” So how is this even possible? What changed? What did they do that turned things around?

Put simply…They applied everything that’s about to be covered here. It took many years. They made tough life decisions and acted on them. It involved personal sacrifices. And to coin a cliched phrase, they challenged themselves to - “feel the fear and do it anyway.” (It’s a great book by the way. The author is Susan Jeffers) The great thing is - If they can do it, so can you. 100%. Of course, your lack of confidence may not be linked to medical conditions…But the approach boils down to the same thing - Your desire to WANT to build your confidence HAS to out-weigh your apprehension in making yourself feel uncomfortable in the process. So does it?

Oh and if you haven’t guessed by the way. The person I was describing was ME.

1. What about my Self-Esteem? My lack of confidence has really impacted upon it!

Ok, lets get started. And before we. start to explore confidence, what about self-esteem? Where does that fit in? Is there a link between that and self-confidence? Well self-esteem is the feelings you have about yourself, whereas self-confidence is a belief that you’re able to perform “something” successfully. The art of self-confidence being your ability to believe in yourself, to accomplish anything you put your mind to - The key though is to feel good about yourself as a starting point. So if you don’t - How do you do that?

In his research into a persons belief as to whether they can succeed (at whatever they put their mind to). Psychologist Albert Bandura’s identified 4 key areas to be mindful of. It’s called self-efficacy. Some people have strong self-efficacy and others not so much - So why the difference and how can this help us? Those with strong self-efficacy view challenges as opportunities, demonstrate strong commitment to their interests and don’t allow set-backs to trouble them, whereas those with weaker self-efficacy avoid situations they feel they’re not capable of, allow challenges to set them back and focus their mental energy on ruminating over why they’re “rubbish’ at EVERYTHING!

The positive thing is, you can change this. As with all these things however, the principle is easy. It just comes down to your willingness to take action.

1. The quickest way to build your self-belief is to practice whatever it is you don’t feel confident in. Now if your first thought is instantly - Ergh! Seriously!!!! But what if my failure in doing that (thing) means I’ll just become EVEN less confident? Well you’ve just demonstrated to yourself that you’re falling into the trap of mentally wanting to avoid situations you feel you’re not capable of. How is it you can tie up your shoe-laces? Because you’ve done it a million times! Purposeful practice WILL improve your skill in something. BUT you have to start somewhere…

2. Go out of your way to witness similar people to yourself doing the thing you want to do. This exercise creates the motivation - “Hold on a minute, if they can do it, they’re no better than me, I can do that too!”

3. Think of a time when someone’s said to you - “You can do that” and because you respected that persons opinions you tried something and you succeeded. Well it’s been identifed as a key element to over-coming self-doubt. Find others that believe in you and seek their encouragement. Be sure to find someone for whom you value their opinion.

4. Work on your inner communication. If you know you beat yourself up mentally, what is it you can watch, listen to, or read that’ll help your mental wellbeing and support you to focus on the positives rather than the negatives. How are you when you’re tired? Are you fun to be around? How about when you’re hungry too? Are you great company? If your answer to both of these is a no. Well just working on looking after yourself physically can be a great start to positively impacting upon your thoughts and feelings. How are you with the following? Imagine someone sincerely pays you a compliment, can you be guilty of immediately deflecting it? How about your self-talk? If you’re already thinking about how you couldn’t possibly accept a compliment, then perhaps you need to ask yourself this - What’s the balance between your positive and negative thoughts?

But before you beat yourself up! The following might be reassuring, evidence suggests our view of the world tends to tilt towards the negative and that’s for ALL of us. We find it easy to go from the good to the bad (in our thinking) but our brains have to work harder to see the positive in things. The bottom line is, in order to build your confidence you’re going to need to take action in some way shape or form, because through doing so you’ll start to get new results. Now remember, they may not always be the “results” you’re after but you’ll get “results” none the less. But through accepting YOU’RE influencing the outcome, well this creates a sense of control and thereby initiates the building of confidence.

Now I won’t deny it’s controversial so you can make your mind-up on this for yourself. But as it’s had 21 million views it’s clearly of interest to many people. I’ve also linked Amy Cuddy’s TED Talk on “body language” and it’s impact upon our self-confidence below too. There’s a school of thought that suggests “power poses” can make a difference. Check it out for yourself.

Finally, before we explore further areas that limit our self-confidence. Someone once shared this with me, thought it summed this section up quite well…”there'll be enough people already telling you reasons why you can’t do something. So don't go doing it to yourself!”

2. But when I do something “wrong” I just can’t stop over-thinking!

Now we’re not done with low self-esteem just yet. Because with low self-esteem comes thoughts like “does so and so love me? Or will so and so leave me? Or am I doing this right? Am I doing this wrong? Clearly in isolation, nothing wrong with any of that, they’re perfectly reasonable thoughts. However when our internal narrative becomes a pattern of negative thinking that we endlessly ruminate over - well that can seriously impact upon our decision making, leading to procrastination and potentially avoid actions that may go some way in building our confidence.

That said, over-thinking can get a bad-rap, there is of course value in thinking about the important things in life, for example how to look after yourself, develop your career and best support those people that you’re close to. It’s when our thinking becomes over analysed, especially those thoughts that are unhelpful and unproductive that it can become an issue. Over-thinking has two primary causes stress and anxiety. Worrying about stuff that hasn’t happened yet and ruminating over stuff that’s in the past. I bet there’s been a time, having had a job interview or having been on a date or maybe met with a key stakeholder and on your journey home you’ve replayed the conversation over and over wishing you’d said something else. If you have, join the club literally everyone’s done that at some point in their lives. If however you find you can’t let these thoughts go. Then try this…

1. What can you do to distract yourself? Try and make it emotive so it makes an impact. What can you find that is both positive and engaging?

2. Appreciate the dilemma of over-thinking in this moment is NOT unique. Everyone thinks about stuff. Allow yourself to think these thoughts but observe them rather than emotionally attach yourself to them.

3. Allow yourself over-thinking time. However, the key part is to schedule it. What I mean is, say to yourself, I’m allowed to over-think about this but I’ll do it at 3pm this afternoon. Then forget about it till the time arrives. What can often happen is 3pm will come and go and you’ll forget to even revisit.

4. In his book “59 Seconds” psychologist Richard Wiseman describes why writing things down can be powerful. Our thinking tends to be unstructured, which is to say we bounce around with our thoughts creating unnecessary mental stimulus. Writing our thoughts down creates structure and focus.

5. Find someone who will listen. Gaining another perspective may help in calming your mind and provide much needed clarity.

3. But I’m going to feel like an imposter!

Now there’s the possibility you may be thinking hold on a minute, this building of confidence thing, it sounds like I need to “fake it till I make it” I can’t do that I’ll feel like an imposter! Which leads us nicely onto another theme that mentally can get in the way of our personal and professional confidence - Imposter Syndrome! Our ability to self-sabotage ourselves through a sense of unworthiness. So what is it and how can we get past it if we’re experiencing it.

Imposter Syndrome can affect literally anyone, from those running big businesses to being a first time parent. Imposter Syndrome is typically described by those experiencing it as an ongoing feeling of “how much longer can I keep getting away with this stuff!” Sadly of course this feeling also produces a sense of anxiety, fears of failure and self doubt which in turn impacts upon our confidence levels. The main reason people feel this way is because they compare themselves to others, instead of focusing on their own strengths and accomplishments and it can be especially crippling for high achievers who at times can be guilty of “striving for perfection.”

There’s a few things you can do to get past imposter syndrome and build up your self-confidence. Start by acknowledging your accomplishments and give yourself credit where credit’s due. It’s possible you’re blurring the lines between what you know you know and what you perceive others think you know - A study by Harvard Business Review found that 70% of employees experience imposter syndrome at some point in their careers. So think about it. The chances are the very people you’re concerned about thinking you’re a fraud - Chances are they’re faking it too! Second, practice self-compassion and remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes. Chances are you’re probably doing something right!

Remember, the ebb and flow of confidence comes with any job or new situation. When we're new to a role, we naturally have more doubts and less confidence. Sure as we gain experience and grow into our positions, our confidence can grow but self-awareness is key, they”ll always be moments (big projects, difficult conversations, etc.) that can trigger feelings of self-doubt. But that won’t be unique to you. Know your limits but never stop wanting to learn.

I love this line from Mike Cannon-Brookes TED talk linked below. “You can be an imposter for a moment, just don’t be an imposter for life!”

So, how do you start building your self-confidence? The first step is to become aware of your thoughts and beliefs - What’s holding you back? Once you know what they are, you can begin to challenge and change them. Next, practice being kinder to yourself. Give yourself permission to make mistakes and learn from them. The best way to start is by taking small steps. Pick one or two of the tips shared and put them into practice. Be patient with yourself, Rome wasn’t built in a day! And don’t forget to celebrate your successes along the way. Acknowledge how far you’ve come, give yourself credit, BUT take action - DO SOMETHING!!! How about doing something that scares you a little bit? – It could be enrolling in a course or joining a new group at work. Just take the plunge and see what happens. So what are you going to do today that’ll boost your self-confidence?