There’s no doubt about it, life at times can be tough, relentless problems, issues and challenges, all requiring a juggling act to ensure balance…

Hopefully that isn’t your world on a daily basis, but there’s no getting away from it, life can be super stressful – So what do YOU do to ground yourself, work off the tension and regain your focus?  For some it’s sports, others yoga or meditation, maybe socialising with friends or immersing yourself in a hobby, whatever it is I trust it’s working for you. The said, you’re here reading this, so I’m figuring there’s potentially room for improvement?

Just like getting over a fear of flying a good place to start is to understand HOW planes fly and operate, so too a good place to start in controlling our anxiety is to gain an understanding of how our minds work. Why? Because through doing so, it creates a greater self-awareness, so when we experience stuff that invokes feelings of overwhelm or anxiety, we can put a finger on what the trigger is, and in turn tap into resources that support us. Let me bring this to life by asking you a few questions…

What are you doing this evening?  What about this weekend? How about next week?  I ask these random questions to highlight a key human trait, we all are future focused, from being at school to where you are today you’ve been permanently looking at the next thing to do.  From the exams to take, to the job you want, to the promotion you need, it’s a never-ending glance into the short and long-term future.  Now don’t get me wrong, while this behaviour isn’t in and of itself a bad thing, clearly, we all need to plan, organise and schedule.  It’s the impact on your wellbeing and how your mind responds to this future focus – There’ the rub!

Take a moment – Think about those things you worry about.  Very often they’re not actually happening right in this moment!  What’s actually happening is you’re thinking ahead and worrying about what “might” be! You’re mentally conjuring up a multitude of scenarios and creating emotional turmoil, based on “what if’s”. Tell you what, take a moment now. Think about stuff you’ve got going on in your world that’s creating an element of anxiety for you. OK, so how much of that is ACTUALLY happening as you’re reading this article? Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s incredibly hard NOT to be glancing into the future, we’re hardwired as human beings to protect ourselves from a perceived danger…So what’s the advice?

One of the best ways to reduce stress and anxiety is to empower yourself. What do I mean by that? Taking CHARGE of your life….clearly easier said than done and massively dependant upon what you’ve got going on in your world but essential none the less. But how? Well there’s certainly no shortage of books and articles out there recommending courses of action, offering tips and techniques to use and models to apply. The long and short is….there’s numerous routes to explore, your challenge - find one that works for you. The bottom line, when you take charge of your life and make decisions that are right for YOU, you'll begin to feel more in control and less anxious about things.

It might be that you’re a fan of keeping fit, perhaps you go to the gym or do some other form of physical exercise. Even if it that isn’t you’ll get the gist of what I’m about to share. But let’s assume that’s you. Ok, so you’ll know in order to make lasting physical changes which are noticeable, takes significant commitment, dedication and perseverance. It’s not easy. It’s hard work. Well getting in control of your mind is equally challenging, requiring the very same level of focus. You’re 100% aware of some of the techniques to support you do that -meditation being one. Thing is for some people that word conjours up religious connotations, or images of tree hugging hippies so it puts them off.

Alternatively, they’ve given it a go, did it for a period of time and given up because they felt it was “wasting time” or “not working” and I’m not even suggesting you have to go do “meditation.’ Again, find what works for you. What I AM suggesting is there’s as much advice already out there in the world to support you make changes to your mental state as there is in how to build your physical strength. In many cases this advice is free too - Articles like this, YouTube clips, instagram posts, TikTok’s, blogs, books, lessons, classes, coaches…But it boils down to YOU feeling this is SO important you’ll make tough decisions and perhaps some personal sacrifices in order to make it happen.

The simple truth is your mind is YOUR mind, it may feel at times that it’s in control of you, the trick is take back that control. And don’t beat yourself up, you’ve been born with one of the most complex things known to man and it didn’t come with an instruction manual - no wonder it gets it the best of you sometimes. But just imagine if you spent as much time practicing techniques scientifically proven to calm your mind, as you do developing your physical body, what difference would that make in your life? How important is that to you?

To help start you on your journey I’ve listed 7 approaches below. See which resonates with you. As an added bonus where I can, I’ve also recommeneded books too. I understand not everyone’s a book reader of course, so assume I’m also talking audio books / podcasts / YouTube clips too.

1. Identify your values and priorities 

What is important to you? What do you value most in life? When you know your values and priorities, you can make decisions that align with them. They also inform your decisions.  This will help you feel more confident and in control of your life.  I explore this theme in depth and I encourage you to check out my blog - all the tips and techniques are there for you to make immediate gains… 

2. Set goals that are meaningful to you

Ever experienced this? You set a goal, work hard to achieve it, and then when you finally cross the finish line...you feel sort of underwhelmed. Where's the sense of excitement and accomplishment that you were expecting? If this sounds familiar, it’s possibly because your goal didn't resonate with you on a deeper level. In order to set goals that are meaningful for you, ask yourself what you want to achieve in your lifetime, not just in the next year or two. What kind of impact do you want to make? What do you want to be known for? Once you have a better understanding of your overarching ambitions, set smaller goals that’ll help you get there. Remember it’s not the goal itself, but what that goal “means” to you that will make its accomplishment rewarding.

I’ll give you an example of why "meaning” is so important. Imagine your big life goal was to own a chain of coffee shops, and through great sacrifice, perseverance and determination years down the line there you are standing in front of one of them very happy, but with a slight feeling of - oh! Is this it? All that hard work, but a nagging feeling of emptiness inside! How can that be? It’s because it wasn’t the coffee shops that were important, it’s what they “meant” to you….the ability to provide for the village that sold you the propriety coffee beans, the chance to give back to your community, the satisfaction of providing an outstanding education to your kids…Identifying the “why” you’re doing what you’re doing is essential. And why’s that? Because it can help establish your own life purpose, and in turn the potential for ongoing contentment.

Finding purpose doesn't have to be complicated. It can be as simple as volunteering for a cause you care about or spending time with your family and friends and making difference in their lives in some way. When you focus on the positive things in your life, it's easier to let go of negative thoughts and feelings.

It's important to remember everyone has a different purpose in life. What matters most is that you find YOUR own purpose and meaning. Don't compare yourself to others or try to be someone you're not. Just be yourself and enjoy the journey.

3. Keep a worry journal.

For one week, every time you start to feel stressed or anxious, write down what's causing your unease. At the end of the week, look back at your entries and see how many of your worries were actually valid. Chances are, most of them were minor things that you blew out of proportion. Writing them down will help you see this more clearly. In his book 59 Seconds - Richard Wiseman explains in detail the science behind taking this approach – I highly recommend it as a read.  The long and short of it – writing in a worry journal forces our minds to become focused.  Very often when we feel anxious or overwhelmed we reach out to family and friends, sharing our problems and issues and looking for support.  While this is of course helpful, it’s rare our stories remain focused and we can end up sharing our concerns on multiple over-lapping themes, only adding to our already emotive state.  

If you feel the worry journal isn’t for you. Here’s an alternative technique that works. It doesn’t involve writing anything either. The next time you find yourself anxious or worried about something give yourself permission to worry about it! However, not right now….So if it’s morning, say to yourself you’ll worry about whatever it is at 6pm that evening. Guess what happens? I think you probably know the answer to that…Try it out, you may be surprised by the results.

If you’re looking for a way to reduce your anxiety and increase focus in your life, worry journals may be the answer. Give it a try – you may be surprised at how much better you feel!

4. Make a list of your accomplishments, take time out to be grateful and stop trying to control the uncontrollable.

It's easy to get down on ourselves when we’re feeling stressed out, but going out of our way to remember all the things we’ve accomplished in our lives to date can be very powerful. Take a moment, write down everything you can think of, no matter how small it seems. Then enjoy reflecting upon your strengths, shows of resilience, and moments of glory. If you dig deep they’ll be plenty to show how capable you truly are. Check your mindset when you do an activity like this however…If you’re feeling particularly frustrated it can be easy to give yourself a hard-time knocking yourself that you could have “done more.” That’s not what this is about. You 100% will have accomplished things or handled things or overcome things that for others would have been huge set-backs. Enjoy this moment, bask in your successes, maybe even think of ways you can share the wealth - How might your experiences help or support others?

Richard Wiseman in his book 59 seconds dedicates the first 30 pages to research on “gratitude.” He shares scientific studies done with individuals who took part in trials that resulted in marked increases in happiness, stress reduction, decreases in cholesterol and exercise - It’s a fascinating read and highly recommended. It’s important to add, there was structure to what these individuals did, it involved writing things down and engaging emotionally - but the rewards were significant. So what are the things YOU’RE grateful for? Could it be…..That you don’t have to wake up in the morning to chop wood to heat your home? You can roll-out of bed and have a hot shower in your centrally heated home? You can have your shopping brought to your front door next day? You could, should you wish (and have the resources) order pretty much anything in the entire world and have delivered to you without leaving your home. Have a meal at an amazing restaurant. Take a walk in a nature with zero fear.

To quote a phrase I think was delivered by a guru The Beatles flew over to the UK back in the 60’s when he arrived at the airport, when asked by a reporter what he thought of Liverpool, he responded…”these people are living in heaven and they don’t even know it.” It can be easy to take what we have in life for granted. There will always be more stuff to have, and they’ll always be people who have more than us and people who have less. Be grateful for what you do have- because here’s the trap we fall into…

Think of something you were really excited about buying - say a year or so ago. I'm talking genuine, keeping you up at night, giddy in anticipation excitement. Now thinking about that ”thing” whatever it was, what’s your level of excitement about it right now? Is it fair to say it no longer invokes nearly as much emotion? So what’s going on? Why is this? It’s because we get trapped in cycles, we experience emotional pain in not having a “thing” so for example, the latest phone, a higher status job, (add example that resonates with you). So what do we do? We try to make ourselves feel good (happy) by getting these things, which isn’t always an easy thing to do (so that can create frustration/stress/anxiety). Assuming we do finally buy ourselves that latest phone or land ourselves that higher status job, what happens? It provides a brief period of happiness, leading over time to it becoming just another “thing.” It’s no longer providing us with the emotional satisfaction it once did….we get bored…leading to “emotional pain” leading to us starting the cycle ALL over again! Thing is, it’s never ending, the latest phones will keep getting made, they’ll always be a higher status job. Gratitiude, contentment, satisfaction with where you are now, appreciating the moment, taking yourself off this treadmill of more, better, best can be incredibly liberating. No one is suggesting you can’t be aspirational by the way, just be mindful of how this behaviour might be impacting upon your world! So….If any of this resonates with you. Ask yourself. What you can I do to break this cycle and take back control? Which coincidentally leads us beautifully onto our next theme…

There’s only four things you are truly in control of: Your thoughts, your actions, your talents and your energy levels. That’s it. Other people’s actions thoughts and behaviours, you can try and influence, but they’ll be forever outside of your “control.” Trying to control the uncontrollable will simply add to your feeling of frustration.  

However, the model below can be a great support.  In the outer ring (Circle of concern) write the things that are creating the greatest challenge for you.  In the middle circle, get creative and think of all the ways you CAN influence, that thing.  For example, you may have been born with a hereditary condition that impacts upon your world. it’s not something you’ll ever be able to change, but there are some things within your control. You can exercise and eat healthily, take your meds, see your physician on a regular basis. Another example might be…Planning a barbecue only to find the weather sucks on the day. You can be cross and angry, bitter and twisted about it, none of which will make the clouds part and the sun come out! Or you can reschedule, buy a gazebo, cook the food indoors…You may not get exactly what you want as an outcome, but using this model allows you to explore the many options possibly available to you, thereby creating a level of empowerment!  It’s taken from a great book I’d recommend written by Dr Steven Covey - The 7 Habits off Highly Effective People.

5. Take a break.

There’s the danger as you read this to think….ergh, I’ve heard all this before.  To have your mind saying right now, “yes, yes, I know relaxing and focused breathing is the way to go when I’m feeling overwhelmed.  And yes Tom I know yoga and meditation, or even just taking a walk can do wonders in helping to calm down and focus on the present - I need something new!!

I totally get it, when you read stuff like this and you’ve got someone like me telling you to relax and look after yourself, it can be seriously annoying, come across as very preachy and sound like such basic advice that it can be frustrating and condescending to hear.  But wait a second, just hear me out….Let me start by asking you some questions. 

Do you actively go out of your way to drink one and a half litres of water every single day? Do you actively go out of your way to get eight hours of sleep every single night? Do you actively go out of your way to do one hour of exercise, three times a week? Do you actively go out of your way to eat five fruit and veg every single day? Now we know all these are important to maintain our health – so how many are a regular and important part of YOUR life?  Often we know what's good for us, thing is we don't actually do it.  

But how does this link back to getting a sense of control in our lives and creating a feeling of self-empowerment.  Well let me ask you some more questions. How much fun are you to be around when you haven't had much sleep?  And what about throwing in being hungry too?

How much fun are you to be around then? Fair to say those two simple things absolutely affect our mood – which is the reason I highlight this.  So often people expect the solving of their stress and anxiety issues to involve complicated and ground-breaking new techniques – don’t let simple fool you.  Often we’re not even doing the basic things that help build the foundation to support additional approaches that combined will begin the journey to positive change..

6. Talk to someone.

When you're feeling stressed, talking to a friend or family member can be a great way to release those feelings. Joining a club with like-minded people, Sharing your worries with someone who understands and listens can help to lighten the load and make you feel more at ease.  Remember too, if required, there’s professionals out there too.

You may find yourself being the one who lends a listening ear to others. If that’s the questions on the image below helpful from the perspective of either self-coaching or supporting others to think differently. It’s called the 4 A’s and is used in therapy. You apply the questions to the situation or circumstances you find yourself in. The questions provides structure to your thinking.

I’m sure once again everything I’ve mentioned above isn’t news to you, but it’s worth putting here as a reminder.  Here’s another reason why connecting reaching out to others is a powerful tool for wellbeing. I don’t recall exactly who shared this, I’m pretty sure I heard it on a TED talk.  It was an experiment to help a select group of people get through a particularly challenging time in their lives, much of which was filled with stress, anxiety and depression.  A number of like-minded individuals were chosen from the group and they were collectively tasked with clearing some overgrown land that had been left to the wilds seen significantly better days. This wasn’t an overnight event, the process took weeks.  Through persistence and hard work they cleared the paths and land and created a garden filled with planters, flowers and vegetables.  Through this process they were monitored and their wellbeing assessed…I’m sure it’ll be no shock to hear that everyone involved saw huge improvements to their mental health.  So why was that?  Here’s the key reasons:

1.     They were part of a group of like minded people

2.     Through the task, they became connected and being like-minded worked together to solve problems that were enjoyable – they were working as a unit

3.     In broad terms, it met their psychological needs…Gave them a sense of belonging, their lives had meaning and purpose, they felt valued, and had a goal (future) that made sense.

To summarise.  If talking to family and friends isn’t your thing but you understand the value of talking to others, find a club, activity, cause, whatever…Something you believe in and go join, volunteer, get involved.  The distraction and connections you make may be your first steps toward getting your life back on track.

7. Put things into perspective.

When you're feeling stressed hearing someone say relax "that's not such a big deal” has the potential to really trigger the emotions. Lets not kid ourselves, things DO FEEL like a big deal when we’re stressed and anxious, taking a step back and trying to put the situation into perspective isn’t always an easy thing to do.  Having the presence of mind to take a moment to pause and take a more rational approach, can go a long way in at least diffusing the tension.  Created by Psychologist Martin Seligman try asking yourself these 6 questions to help put your current situation into perspective the next time you’re feeling overwhelmed or anxious…

1. What’s the worst that can happen?

    

2. What’s the one thing you can do to help stop the worst from happening?

   
   

3. What’s the best that can happen?

   
   

4. What’s the one thing you can do to make the best thing happen?

   
   

5. What’s the most likely thing that will happen?

   
   

6. What can you do to handle the most likely thing?  If is happens?

By following these tips, you can start to take charge of your life and empower yourself against stress and anxiety.